Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
