Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
