Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
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