bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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