can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
