it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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