Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
