his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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