there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
