I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
