FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
