Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
