you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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