So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
