Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
