I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
We need to rekindle our bromance
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
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