Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Randomize
