i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Randomize
