I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
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