Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
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