If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
this is an emotional support booty call
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
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