I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
