I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
