hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
