Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
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Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
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Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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