the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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