OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
3 2 1 whiskey
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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