he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
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My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".