were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.