just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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