On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
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