apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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