im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
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