I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
