He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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