I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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