when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
