I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I need moral support for this bender
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
