I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
