WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
do herpes really smell.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
