ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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