Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
