just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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