this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
