So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
