I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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