Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
