I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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