my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
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He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
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He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things ππ
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