Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Randomize
