I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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