A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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