I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
