Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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