just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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