the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
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I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
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I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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